Another Slightly Less Vulgar And Emo Post...

Have you ever had this feeling like your an outsider looking in. You know like those out-of-body experiences people seem to talk about. Well, I seem to be getting them more often. I keep having this dumb feeling like I'm an outsider.

Seriously! I feel like some friendless loser looking into this world full of friendships, laughter, inside jokes, etc. I feel really hollow and cold inside. Maybe I'm just being overly-sensitive. But seriously, how many people can honestly say they know me well enough to actually be able to read me like an open book. Almost no one. How many people actually know my secrets? How many people can actually make me start/stop crying with just the sound of their voice? How many people actually KNOW me?

I don't know why I've been feeling this way lately. All I know is that I just have. Maybe my self-destructive behaviour is what puts people off. Maybe I'm just not friendly enough. Maybe I'm not worthy. There are a lot of "Maybe"s.

I know there are people out there who do care for me in some way or sense, but it just isn't the same. There is still that emptiness that engulfs me. I don't know what it is exactly. But it isn't just any other ordinary friendship/bond. It's something more. Until I find it, I guess this feeling will remain.

Maybe Brainer was right the last time. Maybe I do need a companion. Someone who will love and dote on me unconditionally. Someone who will hold me in their arms and tell me that everything will be ok when my world comes crashing down on me. Someone who will be by my side Always&Forever.

If that's the case, then I can forget about feeling "WHOLE" as long as I'm in poly. I'm sure I won't be able to find him in the next 3 years.

Oh well. Enough of me blabbering. Merry Christmass & Happy Holidays to all.

p.s: I'm gonna avoid answering anyone who calls/smses me from now till school starts so screw the idea people.