just need to release.......
I AM F-ING STRESSED!!!!!!
Like Col said... a puff, just one puff....
I swore nv to pick up smoking but all i need right now is exactly that....
NVM farah.... just breath.....
GOD!!!! Can all the voices in my head just shut up!!!! stop confusin me more then i already am!!!
as if its not bad enf that i'm torn btwn my priorities... now i'm questioning my sanity... geez!!!
Could I get any more screwed up!!!
I finally thought that I had a clear definate answer about everything this week... that is until yesterday when *HE* looked at me while he was sayin all those stuff...
Goddammit la!!!! Now I'm torn again..... I don't wanna dissappoint anyone on either sides... they both mean alot to me.... why is it that it has to come down to one or the other... Why is it that you guys won't allow me to have both... I did last yr and it turned out ok... not good but ok at least....
Nobody other then GOD knows the pain and aching feeling i have inside....
Everyone thinks i'm some happy-preppy-jumbbled up priorties girl.... Guess what people???? I'm not....
you guys have never actually seen me when i'm pissed.... You've only read my words on my blog... you have never seen how i can actually be... no matter how irritated/upset/sucky/shitty i feel I always smile....
WHY?????
Cause thats what everyone sees me as.... this little kid whom you can take advantage of and will just brush it off and just continue to smile...
Here's a shocker!
I'm human! I feel! I cry! I hate.... I allow everyone to see what they wanna see.... Simply because you guys won't be able to handle me when i'm not my lovable preppy self. You have no idea how to console me or calm me down.... there were people who knew how to.... but i don't know where they have gone....
Stop treating me like some mindless child.... I've had enough of it.... Everyone takes me for granted.... Has anyone ever bothered to ask me "do you wanna take a break?"...."do you want sometime to yourself?"....
GOD forbid!!!! No, never should i be given time to myself.... no never!!!
NOBODY KNOWS ME.... NOBODY CAN EVER BELIEVE ALL THE SHIT I'VE BEEN PUT THROUGH.... THERE ARE FEW PLACES WHICH I CAN SEEK SOLACE IN A SHITTY LIFE LIKE MINE.... SO STOP TRYING TO PULL ME AWAY FROM MY ONE LOVE.... FROM MY ONE SOURCE OF SANITY!!! STOP IT!!!!!
you may not approve of it and that hurts me because i respect you and i yearn for your approval.... yet you dun see things in my point of view..... i would rather have both and suffer tryin to keep both afloat rather then just have one and drown because the other is pulling me down....
My heart belongs to both.... so can you please just understand that and stop giving me that disapporving look everytime you talk about priorities.... its painful ok... it burns...
But yet no matter how much effort i put in for your side... your never satisfied... its never enough... i can count on one hand the number of times you've given me praise for my efforts.... but i am not askin for praise... what i am askin for is for you understanding that i require,just like any other person, a place too seek refuge and find solace.... from the exterior you might not get why i believe that i can find solce in such a place but if you were me, you couldn't bear to not understand it....
Please.... i already don't have many joys in this life.... please don't make me feel guilty about keeping my last true source of happiness... Please.....